2:30pm. After showering like all good calm Spartans do,
I don my outfit, my red velvet cape contrasting against my rolled-up
black pyjama bottoms and black sandals. I am dressing up for the
Classics Day Gladiator contest, a gruelling marathon of events
between the society’s finest physical specimens (and me). It would
be merely one part of a humongous, glorious day, but by far the most
important.
I
arrive at 3pm in the South Quad of Founders, a fine scene for such a
display of potent athleticism, and eventually I met up with the
competitors; I am grouped against four male towers of strength and
physical prowess, including Solidius the Centurion (Pierce Keating)
and three other powerhouses, Will Clarke, Aldo Piscina and Ian
Stewart. Stiff competition indeed, but no problems for a Spartan
(after crossing my fingers and praying quietly to the pantheon not to
get utterly trounced.) The female group was equally a fearsome sight
to behold, made up of the goddess Lois Pearse, the ginger-headed
Ellie Halstead, the swift Mattie Bradbury and the hockey-playing
Kunika Kakuta.
The
audience gathered, we were lined up and introduced to the cheering
crowds by our Master of the Amphitheatre, Alex Payne, me barely able
to keep a straight face as I stood there in my pyjama bottoms. Bets
were made, and then, under the grey, grim skies of England, the
tournament began.
The
foot-race I had banked on winning; it would be a sprint across the
grassy marsh of the quad and back. A slow start put me behind despite
my brilliant pace, and I slipped on my knees as I made the turn back.
Catching up, I overstretched and fell flat on my CGI six-pack,
getting my (sister’s) red velvet muddy and coming dead last. Mighty
Solidius was in the lead with the first win.
Then
came the welly toss, and looking at my gangly, skinny arms I just
hoped I didn’t throw the damn thing backwards. Will and Aldo threw
it as far as the path halfway across the quad, while Ian almost
killed a member of the audience with his wayward throw. I took the
stage. With a mighty Spartan cry I tossed the flying boot in a
powerful arc, and to everyone’s surprise it beat everyone! “Are
you not entertained!?!?” Payne cried to his audience. The
Spartanator was up one win.
Next
came the Egg and Spoon race and the Book Balance, and I was both
completely crap at these; conversely, Aldo took the lead with two
victories and a superb display of skill. Then came the super manly
events; the Planks and the Push-ups. Despite my most courageous
efforts (and winning 6 watermelons in the process), I was no match
for the tower of power Ian Stewart, and he and Aldo were
neck-and-neck on two wins. On the girls contest, Ellie was
surprisingly running away with the wins, while Kunika suffered a
crippling injury dissuading her from continuing.
Last
but not least came the oration. The task: to orate Russell Crowe’s
famous speech from Gladiator to the sound of epic music played by our
audience (on a laptop, not by instruments). My competitors used their
powerful voices to project their speeches all around the quad,
reverberating their epic words off the walls of the beautiful
Founders building. Then it was my go. Summoning the Spartan powers of
melodrama and cheese, I blasted out my lines and fell to the floor in
pure awesomeness. The voting went my way, and suddenly three of us
were tied; Also, Ian and Yours Truly on two wins.
Medals
were presented to the winners. Ellie won the ladies’ group by a
clear margin of at least three wins, but for the men it went down to
a cheering contest from the audience; whoever got the loudest cheers
of approval would be the winner. Cries of joy and appreciation rang
out from our audience. By a slight margin, I was declared the winner!
Barely fitting the medal over my massive head, I accepted my reward
with total shock and surprised confusion.
Thoroughly
proud of my win, I returned home to change out of those damn painful
sandals and readied myself for the last event of the day; the
Classics Karaoke. Having only taken part in a small part of Classics
Day, and yet becoming completely absorbed in it, I had a ton of fun
and couldn’t imagine the amount of satisfaction had from those who
took part in all of it, from our president Helen Rowland and the
committee to Nicholas Hyder and the performers of Tales of Ovid, with
Pierce, Kathleen Price and Sam Wright performing the sneak preview of
our awesome show in the morning. In short, Classics Day was one our
most successful days ever, rivalling even the brilliance of our
charity fundraising for the Iris Project topped off with the Iris
Ball in January.
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